The infant always learns about her universe. She learns s who can respond with intimacy; she learns what behaviors from her will elicit a response; and she learns that when she sets the tone will be engulfed in this wonderfully rewarding exchange. In this way, she learns about herself as a social human being very early. In this system she first learns that she is what we call “being loved”. The father and mother sometimes asking the question like, “How will she know when she’s loved?” the answer is, “Watch her and she’ll tell you.”
This reciprocal system is at the heart of parenting. Being there when she needs you and showing her that you care is the parents’ side of this communication system, the baby’s chance to learn that she’s loved. The reward for you as you enter into this intimate communication is that you will “know” when you are in touch with your baby. The underlying rhythm of attention-inattention is so compelling that it carries you along. The baby’s response to each bid is so heightened that you will feel a glow as she smiles, vocalizes, or wriggles all over. At the end of it, as if she were saying to you, “it’s your turn now,” she will turn off her response to wait for yours. In such a period of play, the chances to learn about each other are endless.
These reactions are strengths in a baby of 4-8 weeks of age. When the mother does brighten up to play with her in the usual manner, the baby redoubles her responses with obvious joy. In other words, a small infant who is loved expects a kind of responsiveness from each of her parents, and when she does not get this she has marvelous, strong ways of defending herself from the disappointment-at least temporarily. In these defensive periods, she well may be learning important coping mechanisms for future disappointments.
Another but important part of this intense signaling system is the capacity of the parents or the baby to put an end to it or limitation. If she spent all the time bathed in this reciprocal system without interruption, her day certainly would become too heightened or too flat and even boring. So, the limits on it are as important as the fact that it exists. The baby learns that she can participate in such a period of intense interaction, but that a necessary separation will follow. From this experience of separation, she will learn that she is a separate individual and can manage for herself, too. This system feeds her development, as does the frustration of terminating it and the experience of being left to herself. The part of a parent’s responsibility is to allow baby opportunities for autonomy-to learn that when she reaches for and gets an object handed to her.
There is time, in other words, when setting limits, saying “no,” or even leaving the baby to find her own answer may also tell a baby that you love her. In this way, the small infant learns early about loving and being loved.
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Please also read the article Knowing Behavioral Communication Between Father and The Baby
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