The most common questions with which young parents asking: “Am I doing the right things for my baby?” and “How will she know that she is loved?” The questions are generated by a desire to take all the right steps in childbearing at a time when our culture is no longer very sure of its goals-and at a time when there are no sure ways for parents to find out what these goals should be.
Perhaps the fact that there are so many different points of view is good in some ways. At least young parents needn’t be burdened by the feeling that there is just one answer and that they can’t find it. The wealth of conflicting sources of advice may press them of find their own solution, an individual one rather than a prepackaged one. I worry about joining the fray and offering one more bit of advice to already overloaded parents.
However, what I would offer would not be specific advice. All I can recommend is: “Do what makes you and your baby feel the best and gives you the nice time together.”When confronted with that answer at a party, anyone who is searching for a simple answer immediately turns away from me and finds a new, more rewarding conversationalist. When a parent who is seriously searching for the answer ask me, I can work toward fuller advice. I urge parents to follow their own “best instincts”-made up of a combination of intuition, their own past experience, and what they can learn about the issues with which they and their child are coping. Such a solution, of course, is not a file-safe; along with good periods there will be periods of conflict. The difficult times can be used for reevaluation and change. I don’t think that what you do as a parent is nearly as important to the child as how do you it-and what feelings of caring go into it. In other words, the very fact that you care and are concerned about your baby is the most important message that she will receive.
But-how will she know that you care about her? Don’t all parents care about their children? Don’t all of them mean well, and still make serious mistakes in rearing their children? Probably they do, but the degree to which they are freed of their own problems and able to listen to the child’s own needs may differ considerably. Caring enough to be able to look beyond one’s own needs in order to be there when your child needs you is no small order. And to be really available may be a lot harder than it appears to be on the surface.
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